Wales

•→  Visions of Wales  ←•

 

«We have for you tonight a fine young comic who’s been nominated for just every new comedy award going, but it hasn’t been easy for him because he’s come up against lots of prejudice and discrimination to get where he is today. Yes, folks, he’s Welsh. Please go absolutely mad for Mr Rhod Gilbert…» ↓

. . . Hello! … Hello!!!  Thank you very much.  It’s very nice to be here.  I …, er,  flew to Montreal on Sunday…

I’m not gonna lie to you, I took quite a cheap flight. If I’m completely honest with you, the first three times this ran on the baggage carrier  I laughed; and the other passengers laughed; and we all laughed… Then the other passengers… they went home. I took this to the … I took this to the desk. There was a very nice girl on the desk, a very nice girl; she said: «What seems to be the problem?»

I said: «Mainly it’s about my luggage.»

She said: «Is that not it?»

I said: «This is some of it. Don’t get me wrong,  I’m [?] to get this back. The thing is, I’m here for a week. I’m pretty sure I packed more than this.» And she asked me a question I’d been asked many times in airports, many times… It never seemed strange in the past. She said: «Have you left it unattended at any point?»

I said: «I suppose I must have. I’m not the most observant person in the world but… if this happened when I was reeling it through the airport I think I’d have noticed! Surely it would have got very light, very quickly.»

She said: «We must do a report.»

I said: «YES, yes, we must!»

It was all going quite well until question three… She said: «Does your luggage have any distinctive features, Mr Gilbert?»

I said: «It’s got a long black handle  [?]  use…

It’s very nice to be in M. I am from Wales . . . Thanks for your applause . . . Lenny’s right, growing up in Wales is tough; it’s tough growing up in Wales. I remember one night I dreamt it stopped raining… I’ll never forget that first dry dream!!!

Montreal seems a friendly place… Since I live in London now. You see, London’s not a very friendly place if you’re Welsh, you know; It’s not; I’ve lived there TEN years, TEN years I’ve lived in London and… haven’t met anyone yet … haven’t spoken to anyone,  haven’t made any friends … I stalk a few people … I don´t know if you have any stalkers here, but I don´t even enjoy it. I don´t like stalking . . .

Your life’s not the same when you’re stalking people. Just once – this is gonna sound silly to you – but just once, just once, in the whole of my being stalking people, it would have just been nice if we could do what I wanted to do. Always got a fit around them, […?] you. I’m sick of it. If you think – if you’re thinking about stalking somebody and anybody there is thinking about stalking somebody, choose who you stalk very carefully. That’s my advice. Choose who you stalk ver… There’s a lot of strange people out there… I stalked some right weirdos. In fact, if you are gonna stalk, you’ve got somebody in mind. You’ve chosen your person. My advice, follow them for a few months first. Just on a trial basis. See if you’re compatible. See if you’ve got the same interests. There’s nothing worse – take my word for this –  nothing worse than stalking somebody when you’ve got nothing in common. Should you call them up in the middle of the night, it’s awkward silences. It’s a lonely life as well. People don’t realise how lonely it is being a stalker, you know. The best thing to do, I found it, always try to stalk somebody who’s already stalking somebody else. And then, they might be stalking somebody else. I got lucky a few years going in a chain of eleven! We had this little mini-bus. And we had some lovely days out!

Don’t have much luck meeting people in London. It’s very difficult to meet girls, of course, you know – I did meet one girl, but then we went shopping together. We were looking for a dress, you see. It was more for her than for me, to be honest though. But it was a busy Saturday, a busy Saturday and I was getting tired and confused; we’d been shopping for hours, I was tired, I was confused, and we’d been to lots of different shops, she’d tried on lots of different dresses and I remember after a while she turned to me and she said, ‘Does my bum look bigger in this one? Or in the last one?’

I said, ‘It looks bigger in this one.’

Yes … I know, I know . . . I know … I said, ‘It looks much bigger in this one.’ Said, ‘Looks massive.’ Said, ‘To be honest, it only just fits in this one.’

I knew I’d said the wrong thing, call it instict. She said, ‘What do you mean it’s massive? What do you mean it’s huge? What do you mean it only just fits in this one?’

I said, ‘This is a smaller shop.’

She said, ‘Not the shop. I don’t mean which shop makes my bum look bigger. I mean the dress. Which dress makes my bum look bigger? […?] She said, ‘I don’t want the dress to make my bum small, you idiot, I want the dress to make my bum look smaller.’

I said, ‘Now you’re looking for a magic dress.’

She said, ‘No, you don’t get it. You just don’t understand. I just want a dress, I just want a dress that doesn’t make me look like a hippo.’ And then she looked at me again, she said, ‘You’re not even listening. Look at you. You’re miles away. You could … You could at least look at me when I’m talking…’

I said, ‘I’m sorry, there’s a little bird in your back…’

So she’s gone … […?]

I’ll tell you one thing, it’s quicker to park. You know, as I was walking from the terminal of the airport to the taxi run… the taxi driver in the first taxi, he saw me coming along. He got out of his cab, he walked round to the back, he popped open the boot, in a sarcastic Montreal way he said, ‘You want a hand with that?’

I said, ‘No thank you. Sure I can manage.’ I said, ‘If you want to help, you can take the trolley back.’

⇒. . .  Rod Gilbert again…⇐  [in Australia]

•→. . . Rhod Gilbert tries to buy a potato ⇐ What could possibly go wrong there?

This happened to me literally last week. I was in a supermarket, and this is … I wanted one jacked potato, right?

The supermarket I was in sold them in packs of two. I called the manager, I said, «I just want one jacked potato.»

She said, «They only come in packs of two.»

I said, «No they don’t. You did that!»

She said, «I’m sorry.»

I said, «You did that; potatoes come in ones: it’s one potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four …

Not two potatoes, four potatoes, six potatoes, eight … remember?»

I said, «I want one potato,» and never my own she said, «You could have the other one tomorrow.»

I said, «I don’t want the other one tomorrow; I’m going away tomorrow.»

She said, «You could take it with you.»

I said, «I’m going to America; that’s where they came in first place…»

What I’m gonna do, explain that I’m buying the potatoes back one by one  […]

I said, «I’ll give a split the pack.»

She said, «You’ll be arrested.»

I said, «In change with what: separating potatoes?»

She said, «Can’t you give it to somebody?»

I said, «What?»

She said, «Can’t you give the other potato to someone?»

 

•→ Welsh Slang ←

◊→  «Differences between the English and the Welsh» ⇐  by Lloyd Davies

◊→  A Historical Tour of Wales ⇐

  33 Reasons  ↓  to be proud

♦→  Conquest of Wales  ⇐  British Imperial History

Edward I’s Conquest of Wales of 1282 provides a starting point for this timeline, which explores the history of British colonialism through the centuries. We explore Edward’s motives for invasion, and the castles he build to consolidate his power. We explore how English men and women were brought into the Welsh ‘boroughs’, to encourage trade, and how English ideas of ‘civilization’ were imposed on a conquered people.

[Timelines.tv]

•→ A Photographic History of Mining in South Wales  ← John O’Sullivan

◊→   Snowdonia National Park  ⇓

Snowdonia is a region in northwest Wales concentrated around the mountains and glacial landforms of massive Snowdonia National Park. The park’s historic Snowdon Mountain Railway climbs to the summit of Wales’s highest mountain, Mount Snowdon, offering views across the sea to Ireland. The park is also home to an extensive network of trails, over 100 lakes and craggy peaks like Cader Idris and Tryfan.

♦→   ‘I Can’t forget my Wales’  ⇐  [by  Lorraine King]

Again I face the world’s great seas,
Blow hard you storms and gales?
The fairest wind will always be
That blows me home to Wales.

We all must take the toils of life
Our recollections fail.
But rest assured my sweet dear friends
I won’t forget my Wales.

Please bury me in Gods dear earth
Farewell to foam and sails.
No more to wander times great path
But home at last in Wales.

◊→  ‘Calon Lân’ ↓  [Wales national rugby union team Song] 

Nid wy’n gofyn bywyd moethus – Aur y byd na’i berlau mân
Gofyn rwyf am calon hapus – Calon onest, calon lân.

Pe dymunwn olud bydol – Chwim adenydd iddo sydd
Golud calon lân rinweddol – Yn dwyn bythol elw fydd.

Calon lân yn llawn daioni – Tecach yw na’r lili dlos
Does ond calon lân all ganu – Canu’r dydd a chanu’r nos.

Hwyr a bore fy nymuniad – Esgyn ar adenydd cân
Ar i Dduw, er mwyn fy Ngheidwad – Roddi imi galon lân.

Calon lân yn llawn daioni – Tecach yw na’r lili dlos
Does ond calon lân all ganu – Canu’r dydd a chanu’r nos.

               •  English translation:

I ask not for ease and riches nor earth’s jewels for my part
But I have the best of wishes for a pure and honest heart.

Should I cherish earthly treasure – It would fly on speedy wings
The pure heart a plenteous measure of true pleasure daily brings.

Oh, pure heart so true and tender – Fairer than the lilies white
The pure heart alone can render  –  Songs of joy both day and night . . . 

Eve and morn my prayers ascending to God’s heaven on wings of song
Seek the joy that knows no ending – The pure heart that knows no wrong.

◊  Y Bryn Gwyn (The White Hill) ↓ by Ceredwen [‘The Golden Land’]

The song is based on the second part of Mabinogion cycle; Bran the giant (Bendigeidfran) had been mortally wounded during the battle in Ireland to save his sister Branwen, who had been poorly treated by her husband (none other than the King of Ireland himself, Matholwch). He ordered his companions to cut off his head and bury it at the White Hill in London, facing towards France.

His head had remained until the time of King Arthur, who removed the head in the belief that he alone should be guardian of the land. Later, when the Tower of London was built on the same site, ravens were brought there in memory of Bran. To this day, it is believed that as long as there are ravens in the Tower of London, there the island of Britain is safe from invasion.

Saith ddaeth o’r Iweddon, siomedigaeth yn ei gwaed
Y genhadaeth drosodd, i achub ei chwaer
Mynd yn ol at yr ynys efo pen Bran yn ei llaw
Y gost yn uchel ar ol aberthu ei cawr

Yng nghwmni ei Brenin, yr amser aeth ymlaen
Llawer o wledda, ysbryd Bran yn dal i’w arwain
Edrych at Cernyw a wnaeth dorri yr hud
Aethant i Lundain i gladdu pen ei arweinydd

Bendigeidfran, y Brenin Mawr
Bendigeidfran, yn cadw’r gelyn draw
Bendigeidfran, y Brenin dewr
Rhodd ei ben, rhodd ei ben i’w wlad

Wedi dod i Lundain aethant at y Bryn Gwyn
Fel y ddymunodd ei arweinydd a’i brenin
Claddwyd pen Bendigeidfran yn edrych draw at Ffrainc
Er mwyn amddiffyn ei wlad wrth unrhyw feddiant

• English translation:

Seven came from Ireland, disappoinment in their blood

The mission over, his sister saved
Going back to the island with Bran’s head in their hands was a costly sacrifice
Thus wnet by in the company of their King – The spirit of Bran leading the feasting
Looking towards Cornwall they broke the spell – Then travelled to London to bury the head

 

Bendigeidfran, the great King – Bendigeidran, wardinf off the enemy
Bendigeidfran, the brave King – He gave his head to save the land

 

Coming to London to the White Hill at the request of their King and leader
They buried Bran’s head looking toward France to save the land from invasion

⊕  Ceredwen →‘Blwyddyn I Heno’  (‘A Year from now’) ⇐

◊  Max Boyce  ↓  ‘Hymns & Arias’

And we were singing hymns and arias … ‘Land of my Fathers’, ‘Ar hyd y nos’.

We paid our weekly shilling for that January trip:
A long weekend in London, aye, without a bit of kip.
There’s a seat reserved for beer by the boys from Abercarn:
There’s beer, pontoon, crisps and fags and a croakin ‘Calon Lan’.

And we were singing . . .

Into Paddington we did roll with an empty crate of ale.
Will had lost at cards and now his Western Mail’s for sale.
But Will is very happy though his money all has gone:
He swapped five photos of his wife for one of Barry John.

‘Cause we were singing . . .

We told the guard that we’re from Wales, the nastiest trick us far
He said, ‘Man you can catch a 48 man! But it isn’t very far.’
A hundred bus were by from B__ who’d been to see the Queen
so we added a quicker member and it was the greatest London scene

‘Cause we were singing . . .

We got to Picadilly early and were jostled in the crowd;
Planted leeks and dragons, looked for toilets all around.
So many there we couldn’t budge -twisted legs and pale:
I’m ashamed we used a bottle that once held bitter ale.

And we were singing . . .

Wales defeated England in a fast and open game.
We sang ‘Cwm Rhondda’ and ‘Delilah’, damn, they sounded both the same.
We sympathised with an Englishman whose team was doomed to fail
So we gave him that old bottle, that once held bitter ale!

He started singing hymns and arias … ‘Land of my Fathers’, ‘Ar hyd y nos’.

So it’s down to Soho for the night, to the girls with the shiny beads;
To the funny men with lipstick on, with evil minds and deeds.
One said to Will from a doorway dark, damn, she didn’t have much on.
But Will knew what she wanted, aye…his photo of Barry John!

‘Cos she was singing hymns and arias … ‘Land of my Fathers’, ‘Ar hyd y nos’.

♦   Meibion Treorci Choir  ⇒  Llwyn Onn ( The Ash Grove ) ⇐

•→http://www.wales.com/history_ancestry/myths legends.aspx←

•→http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/history/myths.shtml←

•→http://www.welsh-mythsandlegends.walesdirectory.co.uk/←

¶  Click to watch A Story!→

•→  How David became the patron saint of Wales ⇐ [narrated by John Hughes]