⇐
∞ Cheech & Chong, aka. ‘Los Cochinos’, come across some poop and → check it out ⇐
LOOK – PICK UP – FEEL – SMELL – TASTE – STEP . . .
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♣ An Irish joke ↓ ‘ cocksucker!’
Dylan Moran’s Irish joke from «How do you want me» TV series. It’s not supposed to be funny, more satirical – this television series is based in a small village in England, where town gossip is rife. The saying goes that everybody knows everybody else’s business, that’s why he highlighted the fact with this particular joke. His joke is a parody for small village life and the ‘country mindset’.
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¤→ Scottish comedian Danny Bhoy ⇐ [interview] …buttering up Canadians a bit
. . . Yeah, I’ll tell you. I think, er…, if…, you want specifically Canadian audiences. A British audience has all the intelligence but none of the enthusiasm; and an American audience -you can see where I’m going with this- has all the enthusiasm but lacks that kind of know-how, whereas Canadians have a beautiful sort of combination of both so it’s, sort of, you know, it’s… it’s kind of, like the perfect gig for a comedian to play . . .
. . . And really well travelled as well. Like Canadians… you can go… I can do a gig in a small village in China, er, with no electricity and there’d be a Canadian there, just with a backpack on going, «Oh, eh…? Let’s go Danny, eh?»
You know … incredible, Australians and Canadians, everywhere I go there’s always someone in the crowd… which I don´t, you know, I can’t get my head over Australians, their obsession, they go to London all the time and kind of go, why, at what point you lie on a beach in Australia, sun beating downing you; blue oceans, emerald green skies and you just go… «My this is fucked – only got twelve thousand miles and live in a cupboard with eight other people.» You know, it’s … I’ve never really quite understood that obsession, but er … Canadians are slightly… I mean, if you’re living – god be careful here – Well, you live in, say, Winnipeg … Not that there’s anything wrong with Winnipeg, but you would want to travel… I am going to Winnipeg…
[—?] I think we’re just … I think we’re just gonna do a smaller venue now.
[takes off Australian accent…] … Danny Bhoy ⇒ on ice curling ⇓
There are certain sports we’re quite good at, that we see, every sport, like ice curling, we’re quite good at it, right? So we only get in the Olympics, we should be good at ice curling, it’s played on ice for god’s sake! Anyway, north of Inverness, that’s just a method of putting out the rubbish in the morning, you know . . . Slide it down…
«Shit! One of the bags is burst. Come on. Quick . . . !
♦ Danny Bhoy ↓ Noah’s Ark
It’s almost like… when Noah was travelling round the world in his arc – if you believe that story – it’s almost like he never… he never went back to Scotland for the drop-off. Or possibly never went there in the first place – If you think about Noah’s message, it wouldn’t have been greatly received in Scotland, would it? Noah turning up,«Hello Scotland, I am NOAH…»«Hi Noah – how’s it going?»«I’m a messenger of God.»«Oh … exciting.»«I need two of all of your animals.»«Aha – Carry on …»«Well, there is to be 40 days and nights of rain…»» [!] … you know you’re in Scotland, Noah? We’re on 55 at the moment! Not a great prediction, is it? I think of the day – if I’d been Noah, I’d have been a lot more discerning about who got on that arc and who didn’t, wouldn’t you? I mean, he had the chance to wipe out entire species of animals in that flood by just not letting them on the arc; if I’d been Noah and seen two rats coming up that platform, I’d have gone: «Ha-ha. Where doo you think you’re going?»«Oh, we’re going on the er…»«I don´t give a shit what you’ve got – Piss off! Take the mosquitos with you!»«But our entire species will be wiped out in the flood…»«Yeah – F…F… You’re a rat. You should have thought about that when you killed half of Europe in the plague!Admittedly not for another fourteen hundred years. «Look. I’m a […?]; that’s how I got this job, yeah, give me a break!»It must have been tough being Noah, all the animals coming on, you know, it’s not Noah what’s who’s who … neither do I … «What are you?» «Bff… I don’t know… Anteater … Anteater … Anteater.» «OK, Ok let’s have a look. Anteaters, yes, two anteaters, oh, hang on! I need a word with you two: now as you know there’s only two of everything on that shit, don’t look all innocent; if they go missing, I’ll fucking […?] at you too.»Noses clean the period […?] «Nice going dickhead, uh.» «The hell you tell me where I need to score.»He’s called me a dickhead […?] We’re both dickheads.So many animals look the same, how does Noah know who’s been on the arc and who has been on … the two things coming up here … you know …«Hello there, Noah, here we go…»Noah says, «I’m sorry, I have just put you guys on, so very strict to a party, 22 every animal.»«Oh no, those guys, no, they weren’t us, they were ‘moose’, we’re ‘stag’.Noah panics, «Shit, sorry so many animals look the same but they’re different, on you go. Someone go get the black and white horses; tell them they can come back.»♦ Danny Bhoy ⇓ on breakfast + Spanish siesta
This is quite an embarrassing aspect of Scottish culture. I read recently that we in Scotland, according to the World Health Organisation, known in Glasgow «WHO?», we now officially – we now officially in Scotland has the worst diet in the world! In the world: that includes African countries, countries with no food at all… It’s now better to have – and let me get this straight – no food at all and then Scottish food […]
Gee! I can’t believe when I read that, but it kind of reminded men when I was a kid, ‘cause when I was a kid if an endie was on my plate my mum would always say the same thing: «Danny! There kids in Africa who would give their right arm for what you’ve left on that plate.»
I know now at the same time, African mothers would tell their kids similar stories about us. You know, the kids going on hungry, «Well, there are kids in Scotland chewing on a black pudding that would love to be as hungry as you!»
You know a black pudding is essentially a giant scab? It is! People always go weird when I say that – it’s true – we have it for breakfast, how hard are we? Scottish breakfast is basically everything in the fridge of that type; anything: bacon, sausages, eggs, beans, chips, burgers, crisps . . . Don’t care. Bring out your dead – we love it . . . Don’t care as long as it’s deep-fried.
It’s always… at breakfast, the Scottish breakfast is an important message to the rest of the world; it says: ‘it doesn’t matter what you plan to do […?] it’s not nearly as bad as what you’ve done to yourself.’
Says a lot abouts… You know, you look at the French breakfast – you know – «a croissant … that’s all we have … croissant […?] but because I will be quite full with my little croissant…» It’s not a breakfast, that’s a bit of pastry; we for that talk of the meat pie! «We are flaky and a little bit gay!»
Look at this – You know the Spanish just have yoghurt and a bit of fruit for breakfast? Yuk! I suppose you don’t want to end up too heavy if you’re off to bed in a couple of hours, do you?
I love the siesta. I wish we’d thought of it. I love the Spanish siesta. God, we’re all tired at that time of the day! I love the fact that Spanish workforce had got together at some point in History in the middle of a board meeting, just one guy goes, «Hey, Sebastian. Are you tired? Are you tired?» – «Yes I am tired, very tired, Franco.»
«Ah, how many people are tired? Shall we just go to bed? Let’s go to bed! Ah yes! One hour? Fuck it! Two hours – we four hours in bed…eh!»
Actually, it’s just as well we don’t have a siesta in Scotland; we’d have to get up and have another one of those breakfast food. Dead by age of 24. You know, they… the Swiss breakfast, muesli, that’s what Swiss have for breakfast. Muesli, that saw dusting raisins. Have you ever tried eating up? It comes up. Never enough moisture in it, you see. Have you ever tried pouring milk into a bowl of muesli? The milk comes flying back out! […?] How typically Swiss is that? Even the milk doesn’t want to get involved … […?] neutral.
The Germans are the most impressive of course, you know, ‘cause the Germans, well, let’s not generalise, in Bavaria, in Germany, they have liver for breakfast! How Germanic is, ‘I have just woken up. My eyes are very open. Bring me a vital organ. Bring me a fizzing gland of a dead beast and I will eat it. . .’
♦ Danny Bhoy ⇓ Technophobe
Interesting… A very funny, I should say, email today. I’m not a big fan of emailing and stuff. I’m a bit of a technophobe, you know, I don’t like all that. I’ve only just got on the Internet. People say – ‘it’s amazing this thing’ – but I quite like still going to the library to get my information. People say, «the Internet is a library in your own home, Danny.» Well, there are subtle differences, aren’t there? One of the things I like about my local library is that you don’t get someone popping out every 30 seconds, you know, saying, «Hey, want a bigger dick?» «No, thank you… OK, I’ll be back in 30 seconds!».
Can’t be doing with it, you know, all these people get obsessed by the latest gadgets… «Oh, have you got wireless Danny?» «No, I don’t.» «Oh, you’re living in the dark ages!» You know, «Piss off! And shut the drawbridge on your way out!»
I can’t … can’t be doing … Even an email, because … Look, I like the old letter writing, you know, and people don’t do letter writing enough any more, you know, because the thing about emails … it’s too instant, so they get all that anger and aggression that you’re feeling at the moment, you know, people write you, send you an email and you don’t like it … Reply … » . . . fucking . . . how dare you speak to me like that …» SHIT! Escape! Escape! Turn off monitor! Plug … plug out the wall!
My mum did that. My mum sent me an email when she was drunk and, er … this is true: she phoned me up the next day and said «Dan I sent you an email but I was drunk, but you shouldn’t have got it, I pulled the plug out.» I had to pretend I didn’t get it. I said, «No mamma, I didn’t get it, no.» I still think it’s my real dad.»
I got this funny email today and, er … in [. . . ?] astronauts have just gone into space, I think one of them was Canadian, is that right? Two of them are Canadian, oh look at you – two of them actually. Two Canadians have gone into space … Sounds like a beginning of a joke, doesn’t it? Two Canadians go into space; one says to the other, «Heh, great, eh?» … «Yeah.»
Um… two, and someone sent me an email, I thought it was hilarious when I opened it because it’s … just a suggestion, er … this guy … for a laugh, wouldn’t it be funny if when those astronauts come back down from their void in space, for a laugh, we all dressed up as monkeys … I love … I love the idea of an entire planet playing a practical joke on five people. Five people turned up, we all go: «Hoo-hoo-hooo!»
∇ . . . Danny Bhoy in Sydney ⇓
Hello. How are you all? Excellent! It’s lovely to be here in Sydney. I’m from Scotland – Not Ireland, as you seem to think I am when you hear my accent. It’s not difficult to tell the difference between a Scottish and an Irish person; this is a Scottish person talking to you right now: «Hello, how are you?» This would be an Irish person: «Diddledidi-potatoes.» Did you hear that? Did you hear it? Very subtle. And they’re only two foot tall, that’s the other side.
Any Irish people in? I saw a great poster for Ireland this year. It says: «Ireland – obviously – Ireland, come and experience the luck of the Irish.» «The luck? Three centuries of foreign occupation, two major famines and thirty years of civil war, oh lucky – lucky – lucky! Next stop, Las Vegas!» What’s next? «Come and experience the charm of the Germans!»
So last year I got the chance to travel round your beautiful country, Australia, and… er, well, travel round as much as you can travel round in Australia, of course. It’s ridiculously big this country: you get in a car here, you drive for nine hours, you get out, you look at a map … you haven’t moved! «…We were here and driven for nine hours so I guess we must be somewhere around … We’re still HERE! Are you sure the engine was running?» If I’d got a car in Scotland and drove for nine hours, I’d be in the heart of the Czech Republic, and had passed through eight countries!
I went up to Darwin last year. Darwin was one of the places I wanted to go ‘cause I wanted to do the Kakadu-Kakadu National Park, and unfortunately the day before I was due to go it was all on the news that two crocodiles had been spotted in the tourist part of the park; they’d sneaked in, you know, on their own, I don´t think they joined the tour. «Eh, two please…» «[. . . ?] definitely [. . . ?] check again.»
I’ve just seen two crocodiles on your tour bus trying to look inconspicuous, reading the paper. «Morning.» «Fat kid, he’s mine.» They are amazing creatures, crocodiles … If you know, you only ever seen their eyes in the water, right? Just the eyes … and they’re … they’re very fast, er … you can’t outrun a crocodile, no; they look slow but they … they … a crocodile is faster than a horse over the fist hundred meters. Yeah! I don’t know how many horses took to find that out… «Go-go-go on … you little shit … Ah, fuck [. . . ?] I’m lucky …» Imagine a horse finally makes it, how annoyed would it be? «You never told me I was getting chased by a . . .»
So, er …. but they are also a master of stillness, this is important: a crocodile can stay in one place for up to eight or nine hours motionless, just waiting for some, you know, German backpackeren… Didn’t read the news: «Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda … Ja Hans, look how close we are to the water!» «But don’t come [. . . ?] evening.» «Oh, why don’t you – why don’t you – come to daddy pal.» «Yeah, it’s a very good idea Fritz, I will go and fill up billy … billy? in the billabong? -oh, I’m learning- «Tell me something Hans, you think we are gay?» [. . . ?]
I don’t know, my German accents always come. My French accent … my French accents always . . . I did that really embarrassing thing in Edinburgh. I live in Edinburgh, er … a French couple came up and asked me for directions to the Castle. I don’t know if you’ve ever done this, I felt the need to reply with a slight French accent! Why I did that, I don’t know, he’s talking in English, he said, «Do you know the way to the Castle?» I went, «Oh yes!» And then … and then I actually said, «You are bastard person.» He said, «Are you French?» «No, I’m Scottish.» «And why are you talking like me?» «I don’t know.» «You’re scaring me and my family.» «I’m scaring myself.»
Anyway, so there’s two crocodiles on the [. . . ?] go back to the story. How do I know … how do I know it’s still safe to go on my little safari, I thought I’d ask the tour guide in question. I went into his office. I said, «Listen, I’ve been reading about these two crocodiles, is it still safe to go?» This guy with the hat and the corks, «MIKE – MIKE.» I said, «You don’t need to shout, I’m just here. I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not gonna go on a safari with a man that can’t whisper.» It’s like having a snooker referee with [. . . ?] «MIKE is [. . . ?] if a crocodile runs [. . . ?] MIKE you got to run away in a zigzag pattern!» I said, «What? What am I trying to do, paralyse it with laughter?» Could you imagine the scene, I’m filling up the … the billy in the billabong … «Oh Hans, run away in a zigzag, Hans, in a zigzag.» «So long, loser!» This is what they said to me, «Mike a crocodile diddles quickly but it has to turn.» I said, «Well, neither am I.» «Don’t [. . . ?]»
I hate these people that give you advice on dangerous animals. «Oh, if you see an angry bear, pretend to be dead.» You won’t be pretending for long! It’s a bear that’s already angry; the last thing that you’d be thinking about doing is playing a practical joke on it . . .
· · · Scottish Money ↓
Here’s a thing, by the way, talking of a slight English buyer sometimes. Have you ever tried to pay for anything with Scottish bank notes in London? Gee, it’s like you’re trying to pay with magic beans or something! Couldn’t believe it. I got a cab to the … the train station, it was 17 quid, I gave him 20, I said «Keep the change.» I’m already breaking down the stereotypes. [. . . ?]
I said, «It’s twenty pounds.» «I know my… no-no-no … my – no-no… That’s er… Scottish money. I don’t take Scottish money.» «No, don’t take Scottish money?» «No money, don’t take Scottish money – No money – no money…» «You took me. I’m Scottish.» «No, nothing [. . . ?] the Queen set on it, mate. It’s got to have [. . . ?] on it.» So I took the twenty buck, I stuck a stamp to it and I gave it back to him. «AND I WANT MY THREE QUID CHANGE!»
… ↓ A few more Scots . . .
◊ ♦ ◊ ♦ ◊ Kevin Bridges ↓
. . . ↓ on modern parenting
. . . Kevin Bridges ↓ Bus Stop
I was on my festival or vacation with our friendly madman… It was about midnight, I was standing at a bus stop, waiting on a bus… That’s the way I play the game tonight. That’s how I roll… At the bus stop waiting on a bus: two people sat beside me, they were doing something similar and everybody was having a good time. Sounds a bit far-fetched, but it’s based on a true story. So everyone is getting the bus stop on when our friendly madman showed up: a guy, he was across the road and he shouted: «Hoy – you – I – you…!»
Now, when you’re at a bus stop at midnight and somebody instigates a conversation with, «Hey – you … Aye – you…!» you kind of shite yourself… And you … you try and keep your head down, right. And then the guy shouts. «Hey, fat boy! Fatty!» I’m alarmed standing there, I’m looking at the two people trying to figure out their BMI and … ‘Cause one of us has become a statistic, right? But beside me were these two skinny pensioner types… ‘Kill us one must be for me.’
And the guy said, «Fat boy, give me a quid, or you’re getting stabbed.»
I thought a quid… is quite reasonable. Panic over! I’ve never been stabbed, try back and imagine it’d be somewhat inconvenient, may even put a damper on your evening. You’d be covered in blood, you’d need to go to the hospital to get stitches, you should be physically and emotionally traumatized… in here, we’ve got a gentleman offering me the chance to bypass such a horrendous ordeal, and this current financial climate for a mere pound. Not much talk of for a bargain. And in Edinburgh it is at least a fiver?
· · · Kevin Bridges ↓ Live At The Apollo [London]
Thank you. Hello! The Apollo, eh? It’s good to be here in … in London. Are there any other Scottish people in the room? Up on the top deck, it’s good stuff, that’s where we keep them. I love Scottish people, and London. I love speaking to Scottish people in London. Anyone will tell you of any of the sights of tourist attractions that [. . . ?] talk about any shows have seen did you see guess how much. «Guess how much we paid for two drinks! Have a guess! Two drinks, guess how much.» You know, when somebody says to you, «Guess how much we paid» in an airy tone, social etiquette is to aim kind of low, so that they can have a little moment of shocking you. You know what I’ve done? I outaimed high; killed the conversation stone down. Next time someone says to you, «Guess how much we paid for two drinks,» just say, «I don’t know how much, forty quid?» «Thank you very much, er… we thought it was quite expensive but it sounds as if we got a bargain.»
A BNP … a BNP opened the papers recently. I … I’ve seen a better… a better racist graffiti that kind of sums up the whole thing. It’s one kind of deprived housing area, on a newsagent’s somebody spray-painted BNP, and below the BNP they drew a swastika, right? Now besides the swastika were a couple of unsuccessful attempts at drawing a swastika! [. . . ?] says much judge the complexity of the operation. And rather than spray-paint over the failed attempt they left it mell: he must have thought you get some form of credit for [. . . ?] working.
I was reading the government plans to provide musical instruments to children, young people from deprived areas… that would solve the problems – musical instruments. «Your mum is a crack addict. Your dad’s in jail. Don’t worry. Have a glockenspiel!» Problem solved! «Oh … thank you …»
Oh, fond memories, growing up… The good old days. I liked skill, my favourite class… Skill was woodwork; can remember Craft & Design, I never actually liked the subject, I liked the teacher, you see, everybody’s woodwork teacher was an alcoholic. I remember this guy, or woodwork teacher, he would just be sitting at his desk, about ten minutes on to the woodwork question and he’s not even spoke a lump, just sitting there … And it finished the class and just said, «Right kids, right children, after the talks, weekend. I was supposed to go to Ikea . . .»
And when you were twelve years old, that was pressure when a mighty man’s marriage depends on your abilities with a [. . . ?] A life skill after [. . . ?] a member looking for a job, unemployed and the job center, the first job you see: «A customer service advisor’s assistant.» [. . . ?] «. . . Basically means Jimmie, the tea for the guy that makes the coffee!» Even else, there’s this, «Experience required and qualifications needed.» And I was just a dickhead, right! Just life skill, don’t have much of that, last options you’ve got. You can join the army. You’ve got the British army recruiting desk, the guys there … » …Be the best…» And I’m thinking, «Me? Join the army, be the best? T-mobile just said I don’t have enough qualifications to sell phones. Microsoft just says I don’t have enough experience to answer phones, and you want to give me a machine gun?»
You don’t even need the army these days to get a… a gun for a young person or a guntrain on the street or our cops getting popped. I don’t … I don’t know the solutions, I just know the problems. It used to be in the UK at fourteen-years-old you could legally be on possession of an air-rifle, which is not a proper gun [. . . ?] but that got moved to seventeen-years-old, ‘cause you know seventeen-year-olds, they’re dead responsible, and some… they were … pointing a gun at you. You’d be going, ‘…it’s fine, he works to be seventeen [. . . ?] ‘ Seventeen-years-old to be in possession of a firearm, but you’ve got to be eighteen before you can be on possession of fireworks. Seventeen, you can shoot somebody dead, we’ve got away a year before you can frighten the shit out a cat!
But drug [. . . ?] drugs quite a lot, and that’s game. You go off the usual suspects, like ecstasy, speed and a drug called ‘horse tranquiliser’... «Hey you should give me a [. . . ?] « I can understand people who don’t know anything about drugs, maybe tried an ecstasy because it sounds quite good, all the connotations of the name ‘ecstasy’ [. . . ?] of euphoria and happiness, and ‘speed’ is practically self-explanatory; then ‘horse tranquiliser’… That hardly sounds the most sociable of evenings. The fact of replaced original name with the effect it had on a horse [. . . ?] all the drugs should be tested [. . . ?] on horses, then you can see what … the Grand National [. . . ?] «Twenty quid on the one that’s breakdancing please»…
← Spanish…
◊ ♦ ◊ Billy Connolly
Another thing is masturbation. I can see you all go, «Oh, no, please, change it… Oh Billy, come on, I’m with a girlfriend here. Give us a break […?]
It’s a weird thing, ‘cause I read in a magazine, it said 68% of all British men masturbate on a regular basis. I thought, Well, ok I’m quite prepared to believe that. How did they know? Did it show on a Richter scale or something? I mean … How can they know because everybody I asked never does it. «Do you . . .?» «Fucking what? I’d rather cut my fucking hand off!»
But I thought I’d change it tonight and give you a little … a guide to more fulfilling masturbation,because I … I have found a new method; I read it in a book, I never tried it. «You calling me a wanker?» Here’s what you do. Because you’re […?] to it really. I mean, you could be watching Crossroads or something, or Neighbours, and you think, ‘I’ve lost the will ti live; I’m gonna go and jump off something high. On the other hand, I may have a wee wank before I go…’
◊ Billy Connolly ↓ . . . ‘dwarf’
The wee woman got on the bus – to be a dwarf woman- and discovered there’s no seat and so hanged on to whatever was nearest: the seat or a pole or whatever, and the bus took off. There was a school girl in a school uniform sitting over here, probably urged along by her mother: «Get that woman your seat…Get that woman your seat.»
She went over to the wee dwarf woman and she said, «Excuse me, would you like to have my seat?»
Whereupon the wee dwarf woman flew into a rage. She said, «Why, because I’m a dwarf you’re offering me a seat, simply because I’m a dwarf? Well, I have managed my whole life with that dwarf. It’s not a problem to me. Keep your seat!»
The girl, cringing with embarrassment, went back to her seat and the bus trundled on in silent embarrassment for the next stop. Then . . . a big Glasgow woman was getting off the bus. Before she went to the door, she went over to the wee dwarf woman. She said, «I’m getting off the bus and I’m leaving my empty seat here.»
«Because I’m a dwarf you . . . «
«No! Not because you’re a dwarf; because you’re another human being! I happen to be leaving the bus. My seat is vacant. I’m merely pointing out to you that it exists! As a matter of fact, I thought you were extremely rude to that wee girl and you owe her an apology. As a matter of fact, I hope where you go tonight Snow White kicks your arse . . .»
◊ ♦ ◊ Michael McIntyre
… on the origins of Scots’ outfit: ⇓ kilts, tartans, sporrans, sgian-dubh
…
Is anybody actually in a kilt tonight? … It’s not a special occasion, I understand that. It’s not a special occasion. But I do love it. It’s … I don’t really know how it was invented; I’ve got this sort of theory on this. I think it’s been basically been created to be as opposite to English people as possible. I think at some stage during history, er… Scottish people got together and said, «All right, today we’re gonna design the Scots, alright? Now the theory on this is we’re gonna have as [?] to English people as it’s humanly possible . . . Well, I’ve been down there, it’s not pretty – it’s not pretty . . . They’re wearing trousers so we’re gonna open with a skirt.» […?]
«You right, Scot?»
«I’m all right, but you got me in a skirt. I’m not happy about that yet. You’ve got to help me out, alright?»
«They have plain black trousers down there, right? So we’re gonna go with the multi-coloured skirt. In fact, every family a different colour. You all right?»
«I’m prepared to listen.»
«Fine. They’ve got little black socks. We’re gonna go with the long white hockey socks. How are you feeling?»
«I’m feeling peculiar, if I’m honest with you. «
«Now unfortunately I’ve been down there and they’re all in underpants, so according to the rules there can be no pants, Scot.»
«Hey – you are good bloody-minded! You got standing in long hockey socks and a skirt with the balls hanging out! You sure you thought this through?»
«I’ve done my best!»
«What about pockets? Can I have pockets? I mean, I’ve got to put my money, I’m gonna get good Scottish money [?] … currency? One pound to the pound; where am I gonna put it? Can I have pockets?»
«No, I’m sorry. English people have pockets. It’s not acceptable to have pockets.»
«So what am I gonna do? Just carry it around?»
«No – no – no. We’re gonna have a bag.»
«A bag? You’re out of your mind! I’m already in hockey socks with the balls hanging out in a multi-coloured skirt, and you want me walking around with a handbag – It’s not on.»
«It’s not gonna be a handbag.»
«It dare not be, ‘cause that’s girlie.»
«It’s not girlie: we’ve done everything we can to masculinize the bag. It’s gonna be a cock bag.»
«You serious? You want me walking around in long white hockey socks with my balls hanging out, with a multi-coloured skirt and a cock bag! It’s still girlie; it’s still girlie to have a bag! I don’t care.»
«We’ve done our absolutely utmost to address the situation, and it’s gonna be hairy; it’s a hairy cock bag. You all right with that?»
«I suppose I’m all right with that, but what if people take the piss?»
«I thought of it too. You’re gonna have a knife in your socks, all right?»
I don’t think, seriously, er, ⇑ there is anyone more patriotic in the world than the Scots. You are tremendously patriotic, would you agree with that? Nobody loves Scotland like you, really… I love the way that you take things that aren’t Scottish and make them Scottish, like the egg, for example. Now, we all know what eggs are, some of you may have had eggs today – I had eggs this morning – You’ve taken the egg, you put a bit of breadcrumbs on it – that’s the Scotch egg! That’s OUR egg, yea? We don’t need your English boiled eggs – we’ve got the egg in bread and a handy testicle-shape snack, uh?
What’s that you got there? Tape? Put some tartan package in on that tape. That’s Scotch tape. That’s our tape. It’s the best tape. None of your sello bullshit tape. In the morning I wake up, my ‘braveheart’ alarm clock, FREEDOM! That’s me up there! A couple of Scotch checks, juggle them for a […?], play some popscotch wino, dip in butterscotch and read The Scotsman, have a glass of Scotch, get the […?] Scotsman, head then to London, tell them all to PISS OFF! Yes […?] with a chat of a Scottish widow on the […?], break into the Royal Bank of Scotland, steal some Scottish money, and after the thorough investigation from Scotland Yard, get off scot-free . . .
♦ Reading on public transport ⇓
And everyone’s reading. You have to read. You can’t be on the tube without reading. Reading is very important. You get up in the morning: every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone – everyone… What if one person just read it to the carriage? I mean, in the old days, with the broad sheets of the huge big papers, you could fold them – you could fold them like linen, you take two corners and walk together… It’s amazing! And you have to read. People read in the most uncomfortable situations […?] turning the page with your mouth … And on the train the other day, it was the most busy it’d ever been. It was […?] Everyone’s been on public transport when […?] dangerous levels, and people scorching in, cause they keep scorching in… And […?] some of this. ‘This is dramatic.’ And we saw somebody running for the doors, and I think it was a shared emotion, ‘Enjoy the run, you can’t get on this train.’
And he ran all the way to the doors, and he stopped right at the edge, and then retreated. I think we all said, ‘Good decision!’ Or so we thought…Run up! He could nearly […?] and then retreated and […?] into the train and he actually made on like no-one could believe it. His feet were on, but his head was still out. Unbearable excitement! Even the Metros came down, ‘What the hell is going on here?’ ‘His head isn’t in.’ ‘What’s he gonna do?’ Nobody said this, but you could feel the excitement. I think one woman overflowed...’Ah…‘ That was the closest we got to a conversation. His head was equidistant to either door. They close – Poom! Nobody can believe… Nobody needs to go home this bad. ‘Get out, man. Get out!’ But no, he took another – Poom! ‘Save yourself.’ And then, with his ever decreasing mind power, being smashed repeatedly by the doors, he came to the conclusion he should move slightly to the right, use the door, excerpt another hit, to smack it there into the right… The doors close – Bang! And they hit him right in, and he made it, nobody can believe it, ‘He’s made it! He’s in!’ Then he reached into a pocket and got out a book…
* * *
♦ Australian comedian Steve Hughes ↓ common sense approach to health & safety
Being in England too many years now, I understand all of you and myself included, we all have to live under the weird and oppressive regime of ‘Heath & Safety’ Regulations. It’s just very strange, isn’t it? Cause … Remember in the old days before ‘Heath & Safety’? Remember what was called ‘common sense’, remember those days? Many years ago, when you …
‘Look at this great big hole! Will I step in it?’ ‘No, I’ll just walk around it; like that.’
«How did you manage to learn to do that?»
«Well, my parents told me not to be a moron and I just kind of carried along from there…»
The Dutch […?] you’re in Amsterdam, you’re in a city: they sell pot, they sell mushrooms, there’s trams, there’s buses, there’s cabs, there’s pushbikes with women with kids strapped to the front of them, there’s a road next to a canal… Is there a fence? No! No fence. England, there would be a big sign, big fence: «Don’t go in the water. You’ll all fall in the water and drown. Don’t go in.» Amsterdam, «Is your bike wet?» «Yeah.» «You’re on the wrong bit, man.»
¤ The shared experience of absurdity
Charlie Todd causes bizarre, hilarious, and unexpected public scenes: Seventy synchronized dancers in storefront windows, «ghostbusters» running through the New York Public Library, and the annual no-pants subway ride. In his talk, he shows how his group, Improv Everywhere, uses these scenes to bring people together. (Filmed at TEDxBloomington.)
“A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man”
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