•→ Kevin Smith Screenplays ⇐
Born and raised in New Jersey and very proud of it; this fact can be seen in all of his movies. His first movie, Clerks. (1994), was filmed in the convenience store in which Smith worked. He was only allowed to shoot at night after the store closed. This movie won the highest award at the Sundance film festival and was brought to theaters by Miramax.
•→ Read «Clerks» Script ←
The movie went over so well that Smith was able to make another movie, Mallrats (1995). This movie, as Kevin has said, was meant to be a «smart Porkys». Although it didn’t do well at all in the box office, it has done more than well on video store shelves and is usually the favorite among many Smith fans. During filming for the movie, Smith met his new close friends and stars of his next movie, ‘Ben Affleck‘ (qv, ‘Jason Lee (I)’, and his new girlfriend, Joey Lauren Adams. Smith has said that his relationship with Adams has been much of an inspiration for his next movie, Chasing Amy (1997), Smith’s comedy drama which won two independent Spirit awards: Best Screenplay and Best Supporting Role (for Jason Lee). Smith is also the owner of Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash comic book and novelty store in Red Bank, New Jersey. He co-hosts several weekly podcasts that are recorded at various locations around the world and released on SModcast Internet Radio. Smith is well known for participating in long, humorous Q&A sessions that are often filmed for DVD release, beginning with An Evening with Kevin Smith. Barry Mitchell interviews Kevin Smith. The filmmaker talks about his comedy influences, why profanity can be eloquent, and recalls the indie movie scene of the early 1990s. Recorded at the Angelika Film Center, New York City, March 20, 2012.÷ ÷ ÷
♦ Mallrats ↓ [clip]
Little Girl: [looking at a Magic Eye poster] Wow. It’s a schooner.
Willam Black: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It’s not a schooner… it’s a Sailboat.
Little Boy: A schooner IS a sailboat stupid head!
Willam Black: [becoming enraged] You know what? There is NO Easter Bunny! Over there, that’s just a guy in a suit!
T.S. Quint: But they’re engaged.
Brodie: Doesn’t matter, can’t happen.
T.S. Quint: Why not? It’s bound to come up.
Brodie: It’s impossible! Lois Lane could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee you that when he comes during sex, he probably blows a load like a shotgun blast… right through her back! And if by chance Lois does get pregnant, what about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child?
T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He’s an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like a Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way Superman could bang regular chicks is if he does it with a kryptonite condom, but that would probably kill him!
T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court?
Brodie: Cookie stand isn’t part of the food court.
T.S. Quint: Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we’re talking quantum physics here.
T.S. Quint: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside, of said designated square, counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you’re going to wax intellectual about the subject… Holy Shit!
÷ ÷ ÷
♦ Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back ↓ ‘Trouser Snake’
Jay: «So you like animals, huh?» Justice: «Sure.» Jay: «That’s cool. Even snakes?» Justice: «Well, you can’t exclude an animal just ‘cause they’re not cuddly. Of course I like snakes.» Jay: «How ‘bout trouser snakes?» Justice: «Ooh, what’s a trouser snake?»(Just then, a little JAY DEVIL appears on Jay’s left shoulder)
JAY DEVIL (to Jay): What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the setup! Reach in your pants, and pull yer cock out, bitch! That’s the kinda shit girls like!
(Suddenly another little JAY DEVIL appears in Jay’s right shoulder)
JAY DEVIL 2 : Right about here’s where the angel’s supposed to show up and tell you not to pull your dick out. But we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and sent him packing, so it’s smooth sailing. Let ‘er rip, boy!
(They disappear in little puffs of smoke and Jay shoves his hand down his pants, getting ready to whip out his dick, when suddenly a little JAY ANGEL appears on his shoulder, rubbing a swollen jaw)
JAY ANGEL: Sorry I’m late. So what’s the deal here? (looks down) Oh, shit–don’t tell me you’re thinking of whipping your dick out at this fine piece of woman, are you?
(Jay thinks, then nods) «Yes.» (The Jay Angel rolls his eyes, and slaps him)
JAY ANGEL: Tell you what: look at Silent Bob. See if he thinks it’s a good idea to whip your dick out.
(Jay looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob looks from Jay’s hand in his pants to Jay and shakes his head «no,» sternly. Jay withdraws his hand from his pants. The Jay Angel nods, satisfied)
JAY ANGEL: That’s it, boy–put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit is gonna do for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nootch. Now I gotta go beat the shit out of two suckerpunching little bitches. Remember–don’t pull your dick out until she asks you to.
(beat) Or until she sleeping. Bunnnnggg! (The Jay Angel blinks away. Justice looks at Jay, a bit confused)
JAY: Don’t ask.
(beat) So, uh–what can a pimp-daddy like me do to help the animals?
÷ ÷ ÷
♦ Chasing Amy (1997) ↓ [clip]
Silent Bob: So there’s me and Amy, and we’re all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don’t wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him… how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… and I’m okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. Ménage à Trois, I believe it’s called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God’s sake.
Jay: Saint Shithead.
[Silent Bob elbows him; Jay motions as if to start a fight]
Silent Bob: Do something.
[to Holden]
So I’m totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like… I don’t know how to deal with what I’m feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I’m… I’m out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I’m like, «What the fuck is your problem?», right? And she’s just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn’t think she should apologize because she doesn’t feel that she’s done anything wrong. I’m like, «Oh, really?» That’s when I look her straight in the eye, I tell her it’s over. I walk.
Jay: Fuckin’ A!
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I didn’t hate her. I wasn’t disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like… like I’d lacked experience, like I’d never be on her level, like I’d never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I’m saying? But, what I did not get, she didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for that guy anymore. She was… she was looking for me, for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I’ve spent every day since then chasing Amy… so to speak.
[after a long silent pause]
÷ ÷ ÷
♦ Clerks [1994] ⇓ [Dante & girlfriend Veronica]
DANTE and VERONICA are slumped on the floor, behind the counter of a convenience store. VERONICA holds DANTE in her arms, his head on her chest…
DANTE . . . It wasn’t directed at you. I was making a broad generalization.
VERONICA You were making a generalization about «broads!»
DANTE Those are my opinions based on the few women who were good enough to sleep with me.
VERONICA How many?
DANTE How many what?
VERONICA How many different girls have you fucked with?
DANTE How many different girls? Didn’t we already have this discussion once before?
VERONICA We might have; I don’t remember. How many?
DANTE Including you?
VERONICA It better be up to and including me.
DANTE (pause to count) Twelve.
VERONICA You’ve fucked with twelve different girls?
DANTE Including you; yes. (Pause. She slaps him)
DANTE What did you do that for?
VERONICA You’re a pig.
DANTE Why’d you hit me?
VERONICA Do you know how many different men I’ve had sex with?
DANTE Do I get to hit you after you tell me?
VERONICA Three.
DANTE Three?
VERONICA Three including you.
DANTE You’ve only slept with three different people?
VERONICA I’m not the pig you are.
DANTE Who?
VERONICA You!
DANTE No; who were the three, besides me?
VERONICA John Franson and Rob Stanslyk.
DANTE (with true admiration) Wow!
VERONICA That’s why you should feel like a pig. You men make me sick. You’ll sleep with anything that says yes.
DANTE Animal, or mineral, or vegetable?
VERONICA Vegetable meaning paraplegic.
DANTE They put up the least amount of struggle.
VERONICA After dropping a bombshell like that, you owe me. Big.
DANTE Name it.
VERONICA I want you to come with me on Monday.
DANTE Where?
VERONICA To school. There’s a seminar about getting back into a scholastic program after a lapse in enrollment.
DANTE Can’t we ever have a discussion without that coming up?
VERONICA It’s important to me, Dante. You have so much potential that’s going to waste in this pit. I wish you’d go back to school.
DANTE Jesus, would you stop? You make my head hurt when you talk about this. (VERONICA stands, letting DANTE’S head hit the floor)
DANTE Shit! Why are we getting up?
VERONICA Unlike you, I have a class in forty-five minutes.
(A handsome young man -WILLAM- is standing at the counter. VERONICA reacts to him)
VERONICA (surprised) Willam!
WILLAM Hey Ronnie! How are you? You work here now?
VERONICA (locks arms with DANTE) No, I’m just visiting my man.
(to DANTE) Dante, this is Willam Black.
(to WILLAM) This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.
DANTE How are you doing? Just the soda?
WILLAM And a pack of cigarettes.
(to VERONICA; paying) So where have you been V? You still going to Seton Hall?
VERONICA No, I transferred into Monmouth this year. I was tired of missing him. (squeezes DANTE’S arm)
WILLAM That’s beautiful man. So… Do you still talk to Sylvan?
VERONICA I just talked to her on Monday. We still hang out on weekends.
WILLAM (leaving) Oh, that’s great. Well you two lovebirds take it easy, OK?
VERONICA Bye. Take it easy.
(to DANTE) That was Snowball.
DANTE Why do you call him that?
VERONICA Sylvan made it up. It’s a blow job thing.
DANTE What do you mean?
VERONICA After he gets a blow job, he likes to have the cum spit back into his mouth while kissing. It’s called snowballing.
DANTE He requested this?
VERONICA He gets off on it.
DANTE Sylvan can be talked into anything.
VERONICA Why do you say that?
DANTE Like you said-she snowballed him.
VERONICA Sylvan? No; I snowballed him.
DANTE Yeah, right.
VERONICA I’m serious… (A moment of silence as DANTE’S chuckles fade to comprehension)
DANTE You sucked that guy’s dick?
VERONICA Yeah. How do you think I know he liked…
DANTE (panicky) But…but you said you only had sex with three guys! You never mentioned him!
VERONICA Because I never had sex with him!
DANTE You sucked his dick!
VERONICA We went out a few times. We didn’t have sex, but we fooled around.
DANTE (massive panic attack) Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only slept with three guys?
VERONICA Because I did only sleep with three different guys! That doesn’t mean I didn’t just go with people.
DANTE Oh my God-I feel so nauseous…
VERONICA I’m sorry, Dante. I thought you understood.
DANTE I did understand! I understood that you slept with three different guys, and that’s all you said.
VERONICA Please calm down.
DANTE How many?
VERONICA Dante…
DANTE How many dicks have you sucked?!
VERONICA Let it go…
DANTE HOW MANY?
VERONICA All right! Shut up a second and I’ll tell you! Jesus! I didn’t freak like this when you told me how many girls you fucked.
DANTE This is different. This is important. How many?!
(She counts silently, using fingers as marks. Dante waits on a customer in the interim. VERONICA stops counting)
DANTE Well…?
VERONICA (half-mumbled) Something like thirty-six.
DANTE WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?
VERONICA Lower your voice!
DANTE What the hell is that anyway, «something like thirty-six?» Does that include me?
VERONICA Um. Thirty-seven.
DANTE I’M THIRTY-SEVEN?
VERONICA (walking away) I’m going to class.
DANTE Thirty-seven?! (to CUSTOMER) My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven dicks!
CUSTOMER In a row? (DANTE chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door)
DANTE Hey! Where are you going?!
VERONICA Hey listen, jerk! Until today you never even knew how many guys I’d slept with, because you never even asked. And then you act all nonchalant about fucking twelve different girls. Well, I never had sex with twelve different guys!
DANTE No, but you sucked enough dick!
VERONICA Yeah, I went down on a few guys…
DANTE A few?
VERONICA …And one of those guys was you! The last one, I might add, which -if you’re too stupid to comprehend- means that I’ve been faithful to you since we met! All the other guys I went with before I met you, so, if you want to have a complex about it, go ahead! But don’t look at me like I’m the town whore, because you were plenty busy yourself, before you met me!
DANTE (a bit more rational) Well…why did you have to suck their dicks? Why didn’t you just sleep with them, like any decent person?!
VERONICA Because going down it’s a big deal! I used to like a guy, we’d make out, and sooner or later I’d go down on him. But I only had sex with the guys I loved.
DANTE I feel sick.
VERONICA (holds him) I love you. Don’t feel sick.
DANTE Every time I kiss you now I’m going to taste thirty-six other guys. (VERONICA violently lets go of him)
VERONICA I’m going to school. Maybe later you’ll be a bit more rational.
DANTE (pause) Thirty-seven. I just can’t…
VERONICA Goodbye, Dante. (She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in silence for a moment. Then he swings the door open and yells out)
DANTE Try not to suck any more dicks on your way through the parking lot!
(Two men who were walking in the opposite direction outside double back and head in the direction Veronica went)
DANTE HEY! HEY, YOU! GET BACK HERE!
÷ ÷ ÷
· · · «porch monkey» ⇓
Becky: Oh, I don’t know, since forever?
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because porch monkey’s a racial slur against black people!
Randal Graves: No it’s not! ‘Nigger’ is.
Dante Hicks: Randal!
Elias: Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Becky: Shut up, Elias!
Randal Graves: No I didn’t call Mr. Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur towards black people.
Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!
Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! ‘Coon’, ‘spook’, ‘spade’, ‘moolie’, ‘jigaboo’, ‘nig-nog’… Those are racial slurs! ‘Porch Monkey’ is not!. . .
Randal Graves: No it is not.
Dante Hicks: Yes, it is!
Randal Graves: Well, she never called any Jews ‘sheeny’, she just used to say ‘sheeny’ curse a lot. It was cute.
Dante Hicks: It wasn’t cute! It was racist!
Randal Graves: I disagree, man, she was just an old timer. That’s the way people talked back then. Didn’t mean they were racist… But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a ‘nigger knife’. [Dante stares in horror] You know, come to think of it, my grandmother ‘was’ kind of a racist. Dante Hicks: YOU THINK?. . . Randal Graves: I still don’t think ‘porch monkey’ should be considered a racial term, I mean, I’ve always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried we could reclaim ‘porch monkey’ and save it. Dante Hicks: It can’t be saved, Randal. There’s all purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place is to despise an entire race, and even if it could be saved, you can’t say it because you’re not black. Randal Graves: Well, listen to you, telling me I can’t do something because of the color of my skin… You’re the racist! I’m taking it back – you watch… He-he-he… What can I get for you little porch monkey? Let’s go on – taking it back.
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